Guilt and Shame

Shri and I just returned from a beautiful memorial service for my mom. My father called it a celebration of my mom's life. Family and friends ate and shared stories about her. On the way out to California, where the event was held, I did a continuing education course on grief. In this course the author made a distinction between guilt and shame. They are frequently used interchangeably in our society. Guilt is the feeling you have when you have violated some deeply held principle, belief or idea. It tells you when you are not being true to whom you have decided to be. She defined shame as the feeling you have when you have violated someone else's principles, beliefs or ideas. Therefore guilt is a pretty useful emotion and should be listened to while shame doesn't really have much use.

I told a story about when I started having kids (at age 40), I told my mom that I hadn't realized the responsibility and guilt that went with this process. She responded with, "Guilt? What guilt? I never had any guilt raising you guys." This pretty much sums up my mom. She was very pure and never said a negative thing about anyone. She must have been so true to her path that she never had guilt! She left a poem for my dad that he found while going through her things after she died. We don't know the author but here it is:

Do not stand at my grave and weep:
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn's rain.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
When you awaken on the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry:
I am not there. I did not die.